All couples have arguments, but it’s the way they have these arguments that can make or break their relationship. Marriage and love experts agree that arguments are okay and totally normal in a relationship (they can actually enrich two people’s understanding and respect for one another) —just as long as they do it right.

Some couples are really good at arguing! They can get their point across all while staying calm and understanding. The majority of us, however, have a bunch of little habits that can make arguments damaging.

During an argument, some couples tend to raise their voice, call each other names, say hurtful things, etc. – this is unfortunate when you think about it because these couples just end up hurting each other rather than resolving anything.

Although it’s human of us to feel emotional or get caught up in the heat of the moment, it is important to keep in mind that nasty, rude, or unhealthy argument styles can drive a permanent wedge between you and your partner.

“A healthy fight is caused because of differing perspectives or an insignificant slight and can be easily resolved by an apology. An unhealthy fight is about something that can’t be changed or something petty just to cause tension and exert a negative power over the other person,â€� – Margaux Cassuto~Relationship Expert

So how can you have a healthy (productive) argument with your partner and not one that’s toxic? See the tips below.

1. Take A Moment To Pause

Couples who fight productively tend to be more self-aware. They know nothing good comes out of immediately reacting. So instead, they take a step back before responding.

Tip: By taking a second to breathe and be present in the moment, it allows you not to react so hastily and to address the issue calmly.

2. Take Turns Talking (not yelling)

Couples who’ve mastered the art of arguing take things slow by addressing difficult conversations with a soft and comforting tone. They allow one person to speak while the other one (truly) listens/hears them out.

Tip: Making the intention to speak calmly and respectfully at the start of the argument dramatically boosts the chances of a favorable outcome, while harsh startups are tougher to process.

3. Be Mindful of Your Non-Verbal Cues

Eye rolling during an argument is not only rude, but it will give your partner the feeling that you don’t care and that they are not worthy to be heard.

Tip: Instead, make your body actions reflect how you truly feel about your partner (outside of the argument) Even things that are subtly dismissive can leave an impact!

4. Set Ground Rules

Set some ground rules from the start to avoid low blows or saying something you regret during an argument.

Tip: Some rules can be “we will not interrupt each other” “we will hear out each other out” “we will be open to each other’s perspective “It’s not about being right” “we will listen to each other” “we will find common ground” “our end-goal should be to resolve the problem.”

5. The Right Time

Tackle issues as they come. Sometimes things will bother us, and we leave it to fester inside. By the time the argument is raised, we’ve already set it up to fail. That’s because, after a few days, or even weeks of festering, the feelings regarding the particular issue are now even more emotionally charged.

Tip: Avoid arguing over text message or email. This can really make things worse and more confusing because the person can’t hear your tone and see your facial expressions, which leaves a lot of room for misinterpretation.

6. Never Forget You’re A Team

Even during the tensest arguments, healthy couples never forget that they’re a team. Your partner is on your side. Don’t lose sight of that.

Tip: Always remember that no matter how angry you feel, life and your relationship will continue after the problem. This will help you keep things in perspective when trying to overcome the problem and to avoid long-lasting damage.

7. A Learning Opportunity

Take the argument as a learning opportunity. Gain new understanding about yourself and your partner. Extracting information and insight from an argument will permit growth for the both of you.

Tip: Don’t waste an argument by not learning from it. When a problem occurs, usually it’s because something is not right. Instead of getting defensive and passing blame, look at yourself first and see if there’s anything you can improve. Self-growth is infinite.

8. Find The Humor

Try to take it easy by taking a lighthearted approach to an issue. Humor goes a long way towards promoting healing.

Tip: Life is short! Just laugh.

9. Touch/Eye Contact

Touch can begin a discussion while eye contact can let your partner know that you’re present and listening.

Tip: A warm (genuine) touch on the arm, hand, shoulder, etc. will calm your partner, remove tension, and will transfer a feeling of peace to one another.

Bottom Line

We know it’s hard to change the way we interact with another person, (let alone change ourselves!) and even harder when you’re embroiled in a heated argument. However, we are here to tell you that it is possible and ultimately so worthwhile.

Arguing can make a couple stronger and even more unified, but only if both sides see arguing as an opportunity for growth, not a chance to hurt one another. So make the intention to change how you argue, even if it’s just 2 out of the 9 tips above. Just work on it, because we guarantee you’ll reap the benefits.

For more tips on how to argue with your partner, see the video below!

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